My mom is dead.
Oh, I know – that’s old news. It’s been a year and a half, for goodness sake.
Today, my husband and I finalized our divorce. We went to breakfast afterwards, and started texting or calling family members to let them know that it was all done, and that we were okay.
I picked up my phone to call my mom.
And I experienced that jarring feeling that has happened so often as my mind, body and soul remember that she is gone. This jolt happens less and less often as time goes by – it’s probably been a few months this time. It is absolutely mind-boggling that we could have gone through such a long illness with her, followed by the trauma of losing her, and still – I forget.
I don’t know what this phenomenon is, but I have experienced it before. Many years ago, we suffered the loss of a good family friend, who was really more of a father figure to both my (ex)husband and I. Even though I had experienced many more deaths in my life, this one was the hardest by far at that time in my life. I grieved deeply for him, and to this day, I still forget sometimes, still think that I should stop and see him when I’m in Phoenix. And then there is the jolt, less painful that it was a few years ago, but still like a small blow and a little bit of fresh grief.
With my mom, this blow has been a little harder (maybe a lot harder). There are life events that really seem like they should be shared with a mom, and I don’t have one of those, except in whatever ethereal form she may be residing in. Most days, this is manageable, has even become normal.
Even today, even in the midst of a major event, the moment passed quickly. The pang of fresh grief was a bit shorter than it has been at some other times, which leaves one feeling a funny combination of guilt and relief.
But it’s there. I suppose it will always be there, and that’s ok. It would be weird if I didn’t feel it at all.
I hope that day never comes.